Bittersweet and Guilt

Some thoughts and feelings that I have been going through as we prepared for and departed on this journey ... I have had guilty feelings because I was not overly excited about the trip, leaving our son, leaving our friends and families, leaving a well known and heading into an unknown. Guilty because I hear other stories from families that cry all the time because their adoption has delayed so long and they can't wait to get their child. At the time I wouldn't have minded if our trip delayed a little longer. It is a very awkward feeling. The departure was actually painful and several times during our flight I felt pain when I thought of how Joshua was doing and whether he was doing the daddy cheer. At one point as we flew over the north pole I was thinking that Joshua would just getting ready for bed, typically I would be bathing him and it is our time, but he would have Aunt Nancy and the kids there with him and he would have loving people all around him ... then my thoughts drifted to Emma who would be just waking up - no mom or dad, aunt or uncle, nonnie or poppie, ... I believe that the nannies are loving and caring but it is not the same. From that moment on whenever I thought about Joshua and also thought about Emma and what this all will mean for her and her new family. Nothing will ever be the same but everything will be better for all of us. I can't wait to see her and hold her and I cannot wait to get home and have her meet her big brother.